This past Monday I went to a documentary night at my school, and yet another film about the DTES was played. I think it portrays even more clearly the issues of this area and releases some interesting facts. It is called "Streets of Plenty", and despite the angry comments that it has received on Youtube, I would highly recommend it. I have noticed that most people will talk shit on the internet just because they can. They may know nothing about the issue, but they are violent about their opinion. It irritates me, but trying to educate them does no good. They are hiding behind the walls of their computer screens. They can be, say, do, whatever they want with no consequences.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6-1oo-b3Ds is the link to the first part of seven.
On a more cheery note, I participated in my third ballet class tonight. I had a lot of fun. According to my teacher, I should have been put into dance when I was younger because I have a natural flexibility and apparently I can move my leg and foot in a way (with no effort) that neither she or another student in my class can. They said I could become a prima ballerina. I said I was too old, but my teacher said this was not the case.
Years ago I was quite upset at life because of all the missed opportunities, bad decisions, and failed efforts in the areas of extra-curricular activities. I was quite upset, especially because of my lack of horse lessons (something I was passionate about growing up), and as an example I said "To become a great ballerina, you need to start young. You can't start ballet as an adult an expect to succeed". Everyone agreed with me.
But this news that both my teacher and another girl in my class said that I could become a prima ballerina goes against my original proposition, and they certainly must know more than I do. I hope that they were not joking. I have consistently looking in my life for something that I really enjoy. I have been looking for something that I am naturally good at, that I can afford, that I can practice without exceptional equipment, and that will lead to performances.
I tried singing and guitar. Though I wrote quite a few songs, my voice kept getting weaker and singing became a strain. It no longer brought me joy, but sadness because I could see my ability getting smaller. I tried to join a local choir, but nothing came of it, and my hands are very small, so guitar wasn't working out for me so much. Not to mention that after only a few minutes of playing, my wrists would ache, burn and cramp up. I had to leave this hobby behind. (But luckily my husband sings and plays guitar to make up for it :) )
I tried getting back into horse riding when I was 16. I finally convinced my dad to get me a horse, but good horses cost a lot of money, so I got a cheap horse. My horse was not only cheap, but very green. In fact, before I got her, no one had ever ridden her before. We sent her to these cowboys (who eventually became my friends) and they trained her. I brought her home, but I didn't have a saddle or a bridle (which are also very expensive)! So I couldn't ride her when she came home. I begged my dad to buy me a saddle and finally he bought me the cheapest one, which ended up not fitting her. When I rode her, the saddle would slide back on her back, and no matter how tight I pulled the girth, the saddle would slip. I hadn't had proper riding lessons in years, so this was not a good deal. Plus, being a green rider on a green horse with bad equipment without a decent place to ride, made the whole thing a nightmare. Winter rolled along and daylight hours shrunk, leaving no time to ride. Springtime rolled around and we found out she was pregnant! This is why I have two horses.
I went for a ride in the summer in a park. It was difficult to do this because I was (at the time) not capable of driving the truck with the trailer, and my dad usually needed the truck for work, so arranging times was difficult, and he didn't want to wait 2 hours for me to ride my horse around the park. So on one of these rare occasions while I was riding, my horse, Dancer, refused to move. I tried every trick I knew, but I couldn't get her to budge. Finally, another horse and rider came and that convinced her to put her feet in motion. I finally made it back and I was so frustrated with everything. I was frustrated with my horse for not being obedient, and I was frustrated with myself for not knowing enough. It was time to send her to a trainer. When it came the time that I was able to wean my colt. I sent Dancer to a barn to get trained with the intention of us both getting trained at once. I was told this was not to be.
I was immediately started on lessons twice a week on a much better-behaved horse in the style of Western Pleasure. I was told I had a natural talent, and within 2 or 3 years I could be showing. I missed my horse, despite her bad traits, and I wasn't allowed to ride her. When I was doing the lessons, I began to have serious back problems, and my doctor told me I needed to stop riding. I rode the whole summer before with no problems, so I had to contribute the ultimate factor to that style of riding. There wasn't anything else in my life that could possibly be harmful to my back.
I eventually quit those lessons because they became too stressful and too painful. All I wanted was to ride my own horse. I eventually started lessons once a week on my own horse for a little while before I took her home. I had wonderful fun during these lessons despite the terribleness of both my and my horse's skills. I realized that when I ride, I need to ride for my own pleasure now, and not for anything else. Western Pleasure is not western pleasure in my books.
Later in life, I tried lessons again so that I could do barrel racing, but my teacher wouldn't teach us to barrel race because we couldn't go in a straight line. I agreed to lessons so that we could go in a straight line. But after many lessons and no sign of improvement, I lost sight of my hope to barrel race and I quit. It was much too expensive, anyway. I also tried going to a thing called cowplay. I had loads of fun at this as well, but it doesn't continue in the summer, and I never heard from them again in the fall. Hopefully I can start this again soon, both Dancer and I really enjoy cowplay. I took Kaden (her son) once, and he was terrified of the cows, but much better behaved. Dancer likes to bite the cows, but she doesn't know how to go where I need her to go.
So this brings me to dance. I have always enjoyed dancing. I was in ballet and tap as a very young child, but was pulled out for some reason. My mother's recollection of it differs greatly from mine. I remember quitting ballet because I wasn't learning anything, and I was told that I wouldn't learn anything (mainly pointe) until I was 9. That was 5 years away at the time, and I didn't see the point in waiting. My mom would say differently.
But dancing itself, I greatly enjoyed. I would always dance by myself. No one would ever see me dance. When I finally did dance in front of my friends when I was 14, I was made fun of. I never wanted to dance in front of anyone. But dancing helped me feel alive. It was how I dealt with too much emotion. I never, ever, thought that I should actually join a class. The only dance I saw was hip-hop, which I'm not that interested in, and lyrical/jazz, which I think just looks silly. I didn't think about joining ballet again.
Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what made me determined to go in ballet again. In the fall of 2009, I considered taking belly dancing, but that didn't work out in my schedule. I think it has to do with two reasons. The first is that when I dance by myself, I notice that my moves are often ballet-like. I thought that I should take this tendency and become trained in it. Besides, those who do ballet are extremely strong and fit and capable of doing amazing things. I want to be strong, fit and capable of doing amazing things without having to go to the gym. The second reason is because of my rebellious nature. I have this rebellious nature in me that likes to take on challenges and prove the other person, statistic, etc. wrong. I may not follow through with it, but I often will find a challenge where someone says "no" and I say "just you wait".
Perhaps, and I may be totally wrong in saying this because I really do lack commitment in most of my engagements, I will become that prima ballerina. If I have that potential, I want to take a hold of it and take myself to the next level. I can prove myself wrong by saying "You can start ballet as an adult and succeed. Your past really doesn't have to determine your future. It will affect you, but you can start over now. Now marks the beginning of a new decision. You can either succumb to the pain and disappointment of the past, or you can rebel and take the challenge. You can succeed in that challenge."
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